Posts Tagged “Guest Bloggers”

This is one person’s story; everyone will have unique experiences on their own path to recovery and beyond. Some stories may mention eating disorder thoughts, behaviors, or symptom use. Please use your own discretion. And speak with your therapist when needed.

By Liz Rognes, a former Emily Program client in recovery. She is a teacher, writer, and musician who lives in Spokane, WA.

I’ve relapsed many times. I’ve had everything from little hiccups, slips, trips, stumbles, big falls, to full-on crashes. When I first started treatment, I couldn’t make it a day without using eating disorder symptoms or without obsessing about some aspect of food, my body, and my perceived lack of worth. Frequent relapses fed my eating disorder. Any time I slipped or crashed, I would sink into shame. I would count relapses as evidence that I was not capable of succeeding and that I did not deserve to get better.

Friends and treatment providers would challenge me on that kind of thinking, but I couldn’t seem to escape it. I would feel positive when I was doing well, but when I struggled, I felt like I lost all traction, and all of the negativity of the eating disorder would come rushing back at me.

**Content warning: This is one person’s story; everyone will have unique experiences in recovery and beyond. Some stories may mention eating disorder thoughts, behaviors, and symptoms. Please use your discretion when reading and speak with your support system as needed.

By Liz Rognes, a former Emily Program client in recovery. She is a teacher, writer, and musician who lives in Spokane, WA.

I have always been something of a perfectionist. As a student, I aimed for straight A’s and I was involved in everything, but just beneath the surface, I was filled with insecurity, uncertainty, and shame. No matter what I did, I didn’t feel like I was good enough. I had terrible anxiety, and I didn’t know how to talk about it, so I just kept feeling anxious. Bulimia and anorexia became a way for me to attempt to manage that anxiety, but instead, my feelings of anxiety and shame intensified. I struggled with an eating disorder throughout high school, and when I moved away to college, I thought it could be a way to finally escape the eating disorder. I thought that moving away from my little Iowa farm town, away from old triggers and patterns, might simply erase the eating disorder chatter and urges.

And, in fact, for the first semester of college, things were okay. I was using eating disorder symptoms less than I had been before. I made friends. I learned about new concepts and theories in my classes: music theory, feminism, philosophy, and I discovered that I loved talking about ideas and examining various points of view. I felt inspired by academia, and I knew that I wanted to give my whole attention to my studies, but I still had the pull of bulimia holding me back.

This is one person’s story; everyone will have unique experiences on their own path to recovery and beyond. Some stories may mention eating disorder thoughts, behaviors, or symptom use. Please use your own discretion. And speak with your therapist when needed.

By Clare Harmon, a former Emily Program client, and woman in recovery

When people ask me about my recovery, I always say that it is, above all else, a practice. It’s the application of skills I learned in treatment, daily reflection, forgiveness, and grace. Of course, everyone’s journey to, in, and through recovery is unique; I’m honored to be given the opportunity to articulate a bit of my own.

Photo by Caroline Yang 

Each statement about beauty is representative of that person’s unique perspective. Some statements include descriptive language about body types and body shapes. Please use your own discretion. And speak with your therapist when needed.

It’s eating disorders awareness week and we are thrilled to have the opportunity to partner with Saint Paul Ballet again this year. Last year’s Take Back the Tutu (part 1 and part 2) helped bring awareness to appreciating our bodies for what they can do. This year, Saint Paul Ballet is talking about how they personally define beauty. 

A message from Brittany Adams, St. Paul Ballet Company Member

Diversity within our company is at our foundation. Our differences make us stronger as a family and help define our goals and confirm our dedication to the trade. Our art is our number one priority – and presenting it genuinely without covering up any part of who we are has become our focus.

This is one person’s story; everyone will have unique experiences on their own path to recovery and beyond. Some stories may mention eating disorder thoughts, behaviors, or symptom use. Please use your own discretion. And speak with your therapist when needed.

By Dallas Rising, a former The Emily Program client and woman in recovery

My eating disorder, like so many others, loves numbers. It loves everything from calories to weight to clothing size. But the numbers it really gets worked up about are numbers associated with exercise.

When my eating disorder was at full volume, it would make unending noise about “exercise numbers.” If these numbers didn’t grow (as opposed to the smaller set of numbers that I wanted to shrink), my eating disorder would pummel me with horrible self-image beliefs and I would feel the need to punish myself in order to appease it.

It won’t come as a surprise, then, that part of my recovery plan was to cancel my gym membership.

This is one person’s story; everyone will have unique experiences on their own path to recovery and beyond. Some stories may mention eating disorder thoughts, behaviors, or symptom use. Please use your own discretion. And speak with your therapist when needed.

By Jenn Friedman, a woman in recovery

I want to talk.

I want to talk but I don’t know what to say. I want to say something that sounds purposeful but I don’t want to force it. I want to say something that sounds smart but I don’t want to fake it. I want to say something that will reach the people reading but I don’t know what, at this moment, you’d like to hear. I want to say the right thing, hit on the perfect elemental blend, and in doing so share sacred space with you on this page. But I don’t know how, and I don’t know where to start, and I don’t know how to weave it all together. What I am looking at it is a blank space and I don’t know how to fill it.

I wanted to recover.

I wanted to recover but I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to recover purposefully but I didn’t want to force it. I wanted to recover intelligently but I didn’t want to fake it. I wanted to recover in a way that would let me connect with people but I didn’t know how they would receive me. I wanted to recover the right way, hit on the perfect elemental blend, and in doing so share a sacred community with others in this world. But I didn’t know how, and I didn’t know where to start, and I didn’t know how to weave it all together. What I was looking at was a blank space and I didn’t know how to fill it.

Without meaning to, I spoke. Without meaning to, I started a conversation. Without meaning to, there are more words on this page, and they have meant that I didn’t initially intend to assign them.

Now I know where this is going. Now I see a parallel that couldn’t have existed had I never started – unsure as I was. Now I see that my words have meaning, inspire engagement, and shed light on the heart of a process. Now I can direct it, because I know that important material exists, I know that I created it, and I know I have the power to continue. I choose to go on speaking.

This is one person’s story; everyone will have unique experiences on their own path to recovery and beyond. Some stories may mention eating disorder thoughts, behaviors, or symptom use. Please use your own discretion. And speak with your therapist when needed.

By Cami Applequist, a former TEP client and woman in recovery

Telling your own truth out loud is powerful. I have always thought so, but not until I started telling the truth about my own eating disorder did I realize how powerful it actually is.

On the first day of inpatient treatment, I sat with a group of women and said out loud for the first time that I didn’t think I should ever eat and I meant it. I also said out loud that most of the time I hated myself whenever I ate. Then I cried. For the first time, I wasn’t cracking a joke about my weight, making that my humorous excuse for not accepting dessert.

This is one person’s experience; everyone will have unique experiences on their own path to recovery and beyond. Some stories may mention eating disorder thoughts, behaviors, or symptom use. Please use your own discretion. And speak with your therapist when needed.

By Alexandra Miles, a former The Emily Program client in recovery

Self-acceptance and Self-nurturance   

Transcendence from fear to unconditional love is the path of awakening. When we see with the heart, spread our wings, and learn to fly we become beings of radiant light.

The month of December is the month of snowflakes, giving, receiving, and playing. It is the month of unconditional love, light, and joy. When we tap into our hearts and love ourselves unconditionally we can spread love and light to our community during a month of dark nights and short days. This month is a month to ignite the light within and shine it onto ourselves and others.