Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist, international, award-winning author of 8 books, and popular blogger. She has 30-plus years of experience in the field of eating psychology teaching chronic dieters and emotional, binge, and over-eaters to become “normal” eaters through using a non-diet, non-weight focus on eating intuitively and creating joyous, meaningful lives. Her eighth book, Words to Eat By: Using the Power of Self-talk to Transform Your Relationship with Food and Your Body (Turner), is due out January 26, 2021. She lives and practices in Sarasota, Florida. Her website is http://www.karenrkoenig.com.
It is January 2021, a time when many people are chiding themselves for their holiday food intake and psyching themselves up to change their eating, exercise, and self-care habits. But more often than not, our standard self-talk is so judgmental, punitive, and bullying that it fails to generate sustainable positive change and leaves us frustrated and hopeless before the first quarter of the new year has gone by.
To turn this pattern around, it’s crucial to understand that self-talk is not simply mindless mental chatter but instead a major way we humans have evolved to get our brains to take action. Whether conscious or unconscious, self-talk is what governs our emotions and behavior. That is, the brain interprets whatever we say as a directive to feel or behave in a certain way. It awaits our instructions and then executes them.
For example, if you say, “I’m upset about what I ate over the holidays,” your brain thinks that you did something wrong and want it to feel distress. It hears your comment as “Be upset,” and makes sure that you are. Alternatively, if you say, “I’ll relax around food and trust in my body,” your brain hears “Relax and trust yourself” and you feel a good deal better.
Unfortunately, a lot of self-talk does nothing to move people forward and instead keeps them stuck. Speaking badly to and about yourself actually decreases motivation when what you’re trying to do is increase it.
Here are examples of self-talk to avoid:
To flip your self-talk from destructive to constructive, make a point of listening to your thoughts. Stop. Listen. Notice your words and tone. Notice how what you say makes you feel. Use only self-talk that is intentional, hopeful, challenging, empowering, inspiring, and self-loving. Feed your brain only healthy thoughts.
Here are examples of healthy self-talk to practice in the new year:
Worried that not actually believing your positive self-talk will prevent it from moving you forward? Good news: Scientific studies on the fake-it-till-you-make-it mindset tell us that you need not believe what you’re saying for it to have a profound impact on improving your attitude and behavior. You simply have to say the same thing over and over to generate change at the brain level. After all, all those unhealthy things you’ve repeated about your eating and body for years have led you to today’s negative beliefs about yourself.
This January, do something radically different. Instead of watching what you eat or the number on the scale, pour your energy into watching what you say to yourself and making sure that every word nourishes your hopes and dreams and validates your self-worth and lovability. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel and how much easier it is to reach your goals in the new year.
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