A Letter to the Parent I Used to Be

By Aronson

Dear me, when I was you,

Hi, you. I would ask how you’re doing, but sadly, I know how you’re doing. You’re scared. You’re worried. You’re hurting, confused, angry, frustrated, and broken. You’re thinking of every comment, every look, every everything that has ever been said to your child. You want to scream. You want to cry. You want to give up. You don’t need my permission. However, I personally did all these things – so I say with wisdom, it’s okay.

Allow me to also say for you: I’m sorry, this sucks. This REALLY sucks. This is not anything you did, you caused, or you can fix alone. I do not just say this – I lived this. Writing this letter to you brings so much emotion and so many feelings that I’ve not felt in a long time.  I was you a few years ago. If someone wrote this letter to me a few years ago, I would have thought there’s no way these feelings would ever not be the forefront of my life. If we had not found treatment for our daughter, I’m pretty sure I’d still have those feelings or worse, we may not have our daughter with us today.

If you are reading this it means you are looking for answers, for the sign you need to know that treatment is the right direction. If you are wondering if treatment is the right answer, let me tell you – it is. If you are looking into what treatment means or what it looks like it, this means your loved one would benefit from treatment.

I understand the fear, the worry, the second-guessing, and the ache that comes with even considering treatment for your child. I’ve been there. I’ve played the mind games. ‘If my kiddo eats this food, it means they don’t have a problem. If we make it through a meal and he completes most of the meal, it’s going to be okay. If I just keep buying the muffins that she will actually eat from the grocery store, then we don’t have a problem.’

If these thoughts ever go through your mind, treatment is for your kiddo.

I remember the nights spent wondering if I was overreacting, thinking this happens to other people, not to my child. But I also remember the day we realized we had to do something—because what we were doing was not working. We tried to get our daughter the help she needed by building a strong team locally with appointments in between school and extracurricular activities.

We did it…until we couldn’t. Until our whole family was on hold because a new family member – The Eating Disorder – had joined us. We realized that trying to save her life a couple days a week wasn’t working. Our daughter needed full-time support. 

Putting our child into eating disorder treatment was, without question, one of the hardest decisions we’ve ever made – and one I would make a 1000 times again. It felt like walking through a door into a black abyss while on fire and blindfolded. I didn’t know how she would react, whether it would “work,” or how we’d make it through as a family. But watching our daughter slowly die and lose what made her special [made her her], was worse than the unknown. Her laughter faded. Her spark was gone. And no matter how much we loved her, we couldn’t do this alone. She couldn’t do this alone. We didn’t have the skill set to fight this without support. We knew there were some skill sets we just didn’t have; just like we needed an orthodontist for her braces and a pediatrician for her wellness and growth. Somehow, when it came to the eating disorder, we didn’t understand [at first] that intense professional support would make all the difference in her recovery. She couldn’t juggle all that life was asking of her academically, socially, emotionally, and fight this eating disorder. She needed the space inpatient treatment could offer. 

Our next challenge was deciding where to send her. We did not have a treatment center in our local community. After research and asking friends, we chose The Emily Program (formally Veritas Collaborative) in Durham, NC because of its unique and family-focused approach to treatment.

Now I will asterisk that no place is perfect, and you get what you put in. If you don’t do the work you need to do, you’re only hurting yourself. The therapy team focuses on getting your child to do the work while you as the caregiver must do it too. You are your child’s best advocate, and The Emily Program has decades of experience in providing families the skills they need for lasting recovery.

We worried about our child’s academic future and what people would say. What about missed classes, grades, her GPA, and college applications? I worried that pulling her out of school would put her at a disadvantage, that she’d lose her footing in a world that already moves too fast and rarely waits. We don’t want our kiddo to miss out on their education, we don’t want them to miss that part in the play or the time on a team. I’m here to tell you, they already are. They are not learning the way they should. There is no way a child’s body is keeping enough energy for brain development while living with an eating disorder. They are already academically suffering. Their friendships are suffering. Their lives are suffering. We realized the sooner our child got help, the longer we had to hone the skills she would need before she went to college. Not just college but before she turned 18, and we lost the ability to “make her” stay in treatment.

But here’s what I’ve learned: you can catch up on school. You can’t catch up on health. Academics can be paused, adjusted, or revisited. A life can’t. And truthfully, trying to force school to continue while she was mentally and physically unwell was like trying to build a house on a cracked foundation. It wasn’t sustainable. Once she was healthier and better supported, then she could truly engage with learning again—not just push through for the sake of grades.

Treatment didn’t “ruin” her academic path. It gave her a chance to return to it with more clarity, strength, and self-worth. And most schools are more understanding than we think—especially when they see a family taking mental health seriously. 

The teams at the Emily Program work with your child and their school to continue academic learning foundations. There is time each day for schoolwork. This happens while teaching you and your child the coping skills that will fight this eating disorder beast. Your kiddo can’t graduate from high school if you have lost them to their eating disorder.

What will people say? Who cares. Your child and their health are no one else’s concern. This journey is yours. There are families you meet at treatment, and those families get where you are. That support and community is unparalleled. 

Eating disorders are powerful, complex illnesses. They can’t be reasoned with or loved away. With the right support, a different set of skills for the kiddo and the family, healing is possible. Treatment gave our daughter the opportunity to rest, the ability to repair her body, and the skills to learn how to fight the eating disorder as it showed itself—it gave her herself back. It gave our family tools to parent her through the recovery process in a way that was helpful, not just reactive. I have never spoken with a parent who said treatment wasn’t worth it. I’ve spoken to plenty who wished they had done treatment or done it sooner.  

I know this decision feels impossibly hard. It feels like a no-win situation, your kiddo may be upset, in fact your kiddo WILL be upset. This is okay: they’ll be alive. I promise you taking this step is not a failure—it’s one of the most courageous, loving choices you can make. Saving your child’s life is never a failure. 

You’re not alone in this. The right choice isn’t the easy choice. And your kiddo is worth it.

PS – me when I was you, you should see your daughter now. She’s amazing, she’s recovered, she’s smart, and she’s happy.

With love,

A fellow parent who’s been there