The support of family and friends is key to the process of eating disorder recovery. It is an antidote to the isolation and secrecy of the illness, as well as a powerful, necessary reminder to our loved ones that they aren’t alone in their pain and struggle.
But it can be hard to know just how to support someone affected by eating disorders. These are complicated, confusing conditions that aren’t “fixed” with simple logic. “Just eat,” “just eat less,” or “just stop doing that” are unhelpful suggestions, as are guilt trips and ultimatums.
What else is there to say or do? Considering your loved one’s love language is a place to start.
Introduced in 1992 by counselor and author Gary Chapman, the love language concept outlines five distinct ways people communicate love:
According to Chapman’s framework, some of us feel most loved when we are affirmed by kind words, while some of us value thoughtful gifts or another one of the expressions instead. Knowing our preferred love language as well as those of our loved ones helps us to express and receive love in more meaningful ways. We can learn to “speak” the love language that our loved ones desire and vice-versa.
Originally outlined for romantic couples, the five love languages have since been applied to numerous personal and professional relationships and settings. Among the adaptations are love languages of children and teens, languages of apology, and languages of appreciation in the workplace.
Here we adapt the five languages to eating disorder support. We present five approaches to expressing support for a loved one in recovery, including specific examples of each approach applied.
Verbally tell your loved one how much you care. Offer genuine compliments and messages of encouragement and hope.
Examples:
Give your loved one your full attention and presence. Avoid distractions and interruptions, making your time together mindful and meaningful.
Examples:
Give your loved one a tangible or experiential gift. The gesture need not be extravagant or expensive; the gift’s value is in the thought and effort behind it.
Examples:
Help your loved one by performing a task. Go out of your way to do something for them that makes their life in recovery a bit easier.
Examples:
Offer expressions of physical connection. Think beyond sexual touch to the ways that simple human-to-human contact can provide a sense of security and comfort.
Examples:
As with the original love languages, no one language of support is objectively better or worse than another. What matters is that it matches the desires of your loved one. Connecting with their needs can help to ensure your message of support is not lost in translation.
For more information on supporting a loved one with an eating disorder, visit our resource page for families and friends. There you’ll find additional tips for speaking to your loved one about your concerns, as well as information about our support groups for family and friends.
If you are concerned about your or a loved one’s relationship with food, The Emily Program is here to help. Take our brief eating disorder quiz and give us a call at 1-888-364-5977 today.
Call 888-364-5977 for help now.
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